Wizard & Elf Lawyer [Sketch]

I haven’t been blogging recently but I have been writing rather a lot. I’m working on a 10-minute play for the 2019 Orcas Island PlayFest. I’ve really gone down the rabbit hole with the following concept: A JRR Tolkien parody in which a super annoying sorcerer outfoxes our poor hapless hero, until XYZ happens. I’ve written five or so distinct drafts. Here’s an excerpt from draft one, in which our Hero is at an impasse with the evil wizard, and calls upon a berzerker and an elf lawyer for help.

HERO
What? But you stole the TREASURE. That’s the whole reason why I’m here!

WIZARD
You know actually this isn’t really a good time. I gotta lot of treasure back there to inventory…I mean, I think you’re being kind of selfish. So if you could just go.

WIZARD Turns his back. HERO runs toward the WIZARD. WIZARD raises his arm and shouts

WIZARD
MAGIC!

HERO falls to the ground. Gets up, runs again toward the wizard.

WIZARD
ZAP ZAP!

[NOTE: Wizard makes a magic wall here?]

HERO collapses again. Gives up.

HERO
I don’t understand. I have everything I need. I defeated the dragon of Anacortes, I got the stone of righteousness. He’s supposed to bow! Everyone knows that. [beat] I know. I’ll send one of my bird friends to call for help.

HERO pulls a (clearly fake, dead) bird out of a pouch.

HERO
Find help, little one. Find me the three greatest heroes in the land.

HERO throws the bird off stage. BEAT. In bursts a giant warrior, GLORB THE DESTROYER. Even the WIZARD takes note.

GLORB
I am Glorb the destroyer, son of Florb the rage maker, son of Floob, the unpleasant one. I heard your call, little one. What may I destroy for you?

[during this dialog the wizard is making dismissive faces, mocking voices etc.]

HERO
So. I guess I should start from the beginning. This Evil Wizard stole TREASURE from my people, he’s also really rude and dismissive and he doesn’t listen, and he laughed at me, and

GLORB
Go on, little one.

HERO
Ok so. I have the stone of righteousness and I used it on him, and he refuses to bow!

GLORB
What! Everyone knows a wizard must bow before the stone.

HERO
That’s what I said, and he was just like Noooo. It’s not fair! I’m just so angry right now, I just want to punch his stupid wizard face.

GLORB (excited)
Oh good. You’re angry. I like anger. Anger feeds me. I have an idea. I will use the hammer of hatred to smash the wizard.

HERO
Yeah, smash him.

GLORB
And I will also smash down this stupid mountain and everything in it. And then I will smash the valley and the villages because I am the destroyer and angers makes me STRONG!

HERO
Oh ok. Umm. Can you just smash the wizard? And like, don’t break the doorway, or really any of the mountain..so we can get out? Also the valley, that’s where my people are so, could you like tone it down?

GLORB
I’m afraid that’s impossible. For once the hammer of hatred is released, it has a mind of its own, and will destroy everything in sight.

HERO
Ah ok. I guess you should go. I don’t think this is going to work. I’m sorry I wasted your time.

GLORB
Very well, little one, I will go.

GLORB turns to leave.

WIZARD [something more shaming/bullying?]
Thanks soooo much for stopping by Mister Destroyer.

Whirling around, enraged
GLORB
I am GLORB the Destroyer and I don’t like your tone! Mighty Hammer I unleash thee!

HERO pushes GLORB off stage.
HERO
Why did you say that, he nearly knocked down the mountain?

WIZARD
I dunno, I felt like it.

HERO
Rgghh You make me so mad!

GLORB pokes his head back in
Did someone summon me?

HERO
No we’re good thank you. Bye.

GLORB leaves.

HERO
[Well that didn’t work. What next.]

Suddenly MYRON ELFINGTON, ELF LAWYER bursts in.

MYRON
Do you know there’s a very large angry gentleman in the enchanted stairwell. Is he a friend of someone? I’m just concerned…

HERO
He’s fine he’s leaving.

MYRON
Oh ok. I understand there’s a dispute. I’m Myron Elfington, I’m an elf attorney, I’m also a notary public. (presents card.)

HERO (disappointed)
Oh. I was hoping for more of ah… Hero?

MYRON (chuckles good naturedly)
I’ve heard that one before. But in all seriousness I’m familiar with your situation and I think I can provide some remedies.

HERO
Really? What can you do? You don’t even have a sword.

MYRON
Well, I have an answer for that. I do have a sword, it’s a metaphorical sword, and it’s the called the law.

WIZARD
It’s a metophorical sword and its called the law..

MYRON
Sir, that’s uncalled for. [to HERO] Is that the Wizard in question?

HERO
Yes.

MYRON
Well he’s uncooperative, clearly. And he refuses to bow to the stone. Which you have on your person.

HERO shows stone. HERO Nods off during the following monologue

Myron.
Ok. Umm. So we have a couple of avenues here. I think our best option would be to file a complaint with the State Board of Magic, and possibly the Federal Board of Magic though I’m not sure about that as of yet. Now you have possession of the stone, and I can see the serial number so that’s good news. And if either board hears the complaint, and we prevail on the merits, which I believe we will, you’ll get your treasure back.

HERO stirs at TREASURE
Well great. Uh go ahead—unleash the law elf lawyer! (heroic pose here)

Myron
[PHRASING] Ok. Umm.. I would plan on about six to eight months and that’s not including appeals, which, depending on your wizards legal counsel, it could go on for one to two years.

HERO
One to two years!

Myron
And I will note that if the Wizard is able to argue financial hardship, you might have to settle for joint custody of the treasure…

HERO
JOINT CUSTODY! What?! No! I’m not waiting two years to share the treasure with him. No. Arghh, I’m just so frustrated, and angry.

GLORB (poking head in again)
Did someone say my name?

HERO
No we’re fine but thank you. Good bye. Good bye.

GLORB leaves.

MYRON
Well, you have my card. You can call me at anytime.

HERO (dejected)
Thanks. Thanks for your time. Ok. Bye.

WIZARD
Hey, hey lawyer. Don’t forget your sword of law. You dropped it.

MYRON
Sir, need I remind you

WIZARD
–need I remind you—

MYRON
–that anything you say—

WIZARD
–that anything you say—

MYRON
Stop it.

WIZARD
Stop it.

MYRON (to HERO)
Is he always like this?

HERO
Yes.

MYRON
I’m truly sorry. You have my card.

MYRON Exits

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