I’ve been hosting an open mic at The Barnacle, a teensy tiny bar on Orcas Island. It’s been a good twice monthly deadline for writing comedy, as I perform short bits throughout the night. I performed this one last week.

Welcome to Orcas Island. For the comfort and safety of everyone, please listen carefully to the following message from the Orcas Island Visitors Bureau.

All visitors to Orcas Island must report to our Welcome Center immediately upon arrival. There they will be subject to a mandatory suitability screening by Visitors Bureau agents.

Please note: Persons from Washington and Oregon are exempt from screening requirements, because they tend to be nice. Additionally, Canadians, except for those from the Province of Quebec, are also exempt from screening.

Persons who set their car alarm on the ferry, and anyone arriving by private aircraft may be subjected to additional screening and delays.

We ask for your patience and cooperation during this process.

While waiting for your turn to speak to an agent, it is important that you do not make any complaints or sarcastic comments, as these type of statements may disqualify you from visiting Orcas Island.

It is acceptable to complain about the ferry service, or the weather. However, if you do so, you must immediately follow your comment with something positive to balance it, such as: ‘But those ferry workers sure do work hard.’ Or, ‘We do need that rain.’

To prepare for your suitability screening, take a moment to meditate on your expectations for your visit. You will be asked to declare any expectations to our agents.

For example, you might expect fast service and mainland prices at one of our excellent restaurants. Or you may expect perfect, sunny weather. Or you may expect for your worries to wash away, like mud off a dirty car.

These types of unrealistic expectations will be seized by our agents. If you must, you can retrieve your expectations upon leaving Orcas Island.

You must also declare all digital devices, including smartphones, portable gaming devices, and camera drones.

Smartphone usage is strongly discouraged during your visit. Meticulously photographing your meals, accommodations, or island wildlife is prohibited, as doing so takes you out of the present moment, which is the only moment that matters.

Please note that our cellular data towers are periodically shut down for your spiritual health.

Do not under any circumstances complain about wireless internet or cellular data connectivity during your stay here, because it makes you sound like a jerk from the city.

Camera drones, and any other device that flies through the air and makes a maddening buzzing sound, will be impounded and destroyed by our agents.

Finally, you must declare all personal attitudes during the screening process. Some attitudes are not permitted on Orcas Island and will be impounded. Prohibited attitudes include: Distrust of strangers, an air of entitlement, and persistent negativity that causes a person to find the one thing that’s not going right, and talk nonstop about that one thing.

Visitors may bring unlimited quantities of gratitude, kindness, and a child-like awe at the good fortune of being born.

Thank you for listening to this message. The Orcas Island Visitors Bureau welcomes you.